It’s been four years since I miscarried our fourth baby.
Holy cow, that sounds like a long time!
Honestly, even though they tell you that women will never, ever forget how old their child would be and all that, I actually sometimes do. It’s not that I don’t still mourn the loss of that precious life. I do! But I don’t necessarily DWELL and I believe I’ve subconsciously released some details from my memory just for my own sanity. Does that even make sense? I don’t know…
Anyway, I know it’s been four years because I was admitted into the hospital for a D & C on Leap Day and, well, that only comes around every four years.
At this point in February of that year, I was still blissfully unaware that anything was going wrong. But, because I lived through it, I’m realizing what a temporary period of elation that turned out to be.
So, it’s been four years.
And here’s what I’ll tell you.
I still have a hard time getting excited about pregnancy announcements– at first.
I no longer feel sucker-punched or devastated, but there’s a weird little ache that keeps my fingers from typing, “Congratulations!!!!! SOOOO excited for you!!!!!” at first sight of a cutesy little pregnancy announcement.
And that makes me feel like a real jacka$$, to be honest.
Nonetheless, it’s the truth.
However, and this is important, I do, indeed, feel very real joy for people. I look forward to the births of babies and I really don’t take it personally in any way, shape, or form. I expect others to be expecting and I consider that very happy news!
It just takes me a little bit.
Sometimes a couple days, sometimes just a couple hours, but I need to give my brain and heart that space in order to both acknowledge my own lingering pain, while opening myself to this couple’s beautiful news.
It is delayed joy, true.
But it is no less sincere.
And, so, if ever you’ve been on the receiving end of my belated congrats, please know that I’m doing my best. I’m truly, truly happy for you. I will wait with baited breath for news of gender and names and bump pics.
I just sometimes take a day or two to get there.