I’m fine. Or, you know, close enough.

 

 

I pulled up TimeHop on my phone this morning.

 

I read a post from three years ago– it was my son’s seventh birthday party. We did a football theme that year and a strangely warm late January day meant the boys could actually play some ball outside.

 

I remember being so grateful for that because my husband had it all under control. I was glad to catch a little break.

 

Because, you see, I was pregnant.

 

I don’t know why it took memories of that party to serve as the punch in the gut this year, but there you go.

 

I remember being a wee bit queasy and obnoxiously tired as I fought my way through the onslaught of birthday parties that year.

 

No one knew. Not my family. Not the parents of our party goers. Not any of you. Well, except for two of you, perhaps. I told a couple of you long-distance blog friends I’ve had since well before G. was even born. But no one else except my husband.

 

It’s hard to reconcile being so very happy with my life, yet feeling terribly cheated. I mean, on the one hand, I couldn’t be substitute teaching– something I’m truly enjoying– if I had a two-year-old. I wouldn’t be in this “sweet spot” phase of parenting children who are all at relatively easy stages, truth be told. No babies. No toddlers. No teens. No angst. No random tantrums. I mean… there’s some GOOD stuff going on right now.

 

But there’s a part of me that’s still so broken. So fragile. So easily ripped open.

 

And the fact that I feel like no one in my life remembers or cares or thinks lingering grief is justified just makes me feel like, I don’t know… an idiot? Overly dramatic? Foolish? It’s stupid, because I totally expect others to go on with their lives and I in no way expect people to constantly remember tough anniversaries. I guess I just wish I felt I had permission to talk about it if I wanted to? But maybe that’s what this space is for.

 

Whatever.

 

This is a very rambly post.

 

I don’t expect any of you to solve my issues or drama. I don’t even necessarily expect you to understand. I’m definitely not looking for more sympathy– you’ve all given me more than my due of that during the truly raw times.

 

But I opened my TimeHop this morning.

 

And I remembered a time when I’d imagined my life being so very different right now.

 

And maybe that’s just a little harder than I expected.

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11 comments to I’m fine. Or, you know, close enough.

  • Carol B.

    *hugs* Feel free to talk about it whenever. Grief holds no timeline, isn’t neatly put away in a pretty little box and forgotten about and certainly doesn’t care that “It’s been ____ and I *should be* better by now.”

    While it isn’t quite the same as what you’re grieving (although really, loss is loss and pain is pain), my dad died 2 & 1/2 years ago. While most of the time I am fine and can look back on my time with him and laugh about something he said, or remember how I felt when he did something, sometimes it will just hit me and BAM! here come the tears.

  • (((Hugs))) timehop U.S. Neat but oh so heartbreaking for some of us.. Mine this morning reminded me I was 32 weeks pregnant 4 years ago but I certainly don’t have a soon to be 4 year old running around :( I hope you do not find this strange but you and your 4th baby come across my mind here and there and each fall I remember him or her as well… You have every right to greive this baby for the rest of your life. It’s a strange place to be, to know what a wonderful and full life you are living and to know it wouldn’t be the same at all if it had gone differently and yet, to long so much for what was lost.. Thank you for sharing your heart.

  • FishMama

    Big hug and a glass of wine coming from California. I’m so honored to have walked this path with you. Love you!

  • Celine

    (((Hugs)))…always here to listen and talk no matter how much time passes. There is no time limit on grief.

  • Heather

    Of course you have permission to talk about whatever you need to! I didn’t really recall the exact timeline, but I just talked about you this week with my mom. About how rotten I felt to have to tell you I was finally pregnant with Scarlet almost immediately after you shared about your miscarriage. And I’m sure it was pretty crappy feeling for you too. I think if you keep talking about how you feel it let’s other people know it’s normal and acceptable to still be sad and wonder even if years have passed.

  • earleyml

    Please feel free to share whenever you are feeling like this, it’s healthier than stuffing it in. Time to time, I also think about you and your loss but I didn’t realize it has been 3 years. Not that time makes it any easier. HUGS!

  • I think of you often because it was your posts that helped me get through my miscarriages in so many ways. I knew that someone else understood! Even now, with my beautiful 6 month old daughter, and all of the wonders and joys in my life, there are times that my heart breaks when I think of the 2 year old that could have been running around my house, or the birthday party I could have been planning for a one-year-old next month. I will be thinking of you today!

  • Terri

    Oh yes, Timehop can be painful. I could have a five-year-old right now, if the pregnancy had not been ectopic. Blessed today to enjoy my four-year-old, and the baby kicking my bladder. Hugs to you.

  • Lori

    Every March I still think about my miscarriage and it’s been almost 6 years, I used to always hunk that my daughter would have been a great little sister. She is a good big sister now, but when she was a toddler she always wanted to play with other kids and it broke my heart all over for her.

  • Katie

    Thank you so much for sharing your heart JessieLeigh. I’m beginning to realize that a miscarriage is something that never leaves you. I’m so glad you shared this with us, it came at the perfect time for me. Back in October I had a miscarriage at 16 weeks, and this weekend I’m attending the baby shower for my cousin who was due one day before me. :( Helps to know that it is ok to still be a bit blue.

  • Cathy

    Thanks for writing this. It was the reminder I needed to contact a friend on the due date of her son she miscarried a few years ago. She was so thankful and without this reminder I may have forgotten the day.

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