On Wanting to Lose 5 Pounds… and not being able to.




“And how much do you weigh?” the lady on the phone asked.


She was doing the pre-registration for my MRI.


I answered honestly and hated myself for being angry about the number. Really, she didn’t care. As long as I weighed less than 550 pounds, it made no difference for her purposes.


And, if I’m truthful, I shouldn’t really care, either. My weight is technically healthy and doesn’t hold me back from doing anything I want to do.


But I’d like to have five fewer pounds on my frame.


…At five pounds lighter, my tummy is just a touch flatter.


…At five pounds lighter, my jeans are just a bit looser around my upper thighs.


…At five pounds lighter, I’m in an entirely different “decade” on the scale.


…At five pounds lighter, I feel, well, SLIM, rather than just okay.



So lose five pounds, JessieLeigh. What’s the big deal? How hard can it be to drop five pounds?


It’s not hard.


It’s so easy.


I can be five pounds lighter by this time next week. (And that’s a lot of weight to drop in a week for someone my size.)


No, it’s not hard to lose five pounds.


It’s hard to STOP losing pounds.


I think, all the time, that I’m totally fine now. That I somehow “beat anorexia” because I’ve been a healthy weight and size for years and years now.


But then I want to lose five pounds.


And I realize…


I don’t think I can.


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6 comments to On Wanting to Lose 5 Pounds… and not being able to.

  • Susan

    It is sooooo hard to lose 5 pounds. I’ve been trying for the last year. Good luck.

  • It’s hard when you’re on the other end of the spectrum to realize how people with anorexia/bulimia think. With PCOS it seems like murder to lose 5 pounds, but I NEED to lose 5(5), really.

    Anyway, JL, I know I am not being sensical. I appreciate your sharing this and I am glad you can see it in yourself enough to stop.


  • What I love about you is that you KNOW this about you. You know that it’s a slippery slope. You know what’s best for you and you do it!

    Strong. Smart.

  • ((hug)) Stay strong. That five pounds definitely matters when you’re a healthy size. (I want to lose 5 lbs and cannot for the life of me.) So I feel your pain in wanting to lose it. BUT. If that 5 lbs means you are sliding down that slippery slope into an unhealthy pattern, then it is SO not worth it. Stay strong. And thank you for sharing your struggle. I’m sure it will help someone out there right now who is struggling with the same thing.

  • Rejoice in the fact that you are at a place where you know. Because awareness and avoiding denial are such a big part of the battle!!

  • I struggled with anorexia in high school, so I totally understand what you mean. The scale can rule us and it really, really shouldn’t. I had been thinking lately “maybe if I just dropped 5 pounds, I’d be (fill in the blank).” Then the other night it dawned on me – I weight the same as I did before marriage/children/when I was “in my prime” and I still wasn’t happy about my weight then. What would make me happy now? And I realized if this is my “ideal” weight, where my body feels best when I’m working out and eating well (but not restricting myself) why not just embrace it.

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