It’s not you, it’s me.

Despite my pledge to be effervescent, I am falling flat, dear friends.

 

I am SO SO sensitive, it’s utterly ridiculous. The slightest criticism (even when perhaps only in my mind) sends me right over the edge, and I now cringe before I can check comments, Twitter, or Facebook.

 

That is INSANE. And also? Not healthy.

 

So… I need to breathe. 

 

I’m not going away, but, in an effort to stay calmer, I may not engage in debate or try to defend myself. I will read everything you post or write– I promise– but I may just let it ride without getting involved or responding as much. Please know that this is not because I don’t value your opinions or see the merit of sharing different views. It is simply because I don’t have the energy for it right now and it’s dragging me down too much.

 

It’s not you.

 

It’s me.

 

Really and truly.

 

Maybe it’s the winter days that are wearing me down. Maybe it’s the fact that pretty much a year ago, they told me our fourth baby was gone. Maybe it’s the fact that, on the one year anniversary of my D&C, I will take my eldest child in for surgery. My precious A…

it’s all just a little too much for me.

 

I hold my head high, smile and nod to everyone in my real life. “Yes,” I assure them, “it’s the right thing to do.” (It is.) “It should be outpatient. He’s strong. He’ll do well.” (I am convinced of this, but inside I still fret.)

 

My heart is tender right now and I’ve come to realize that the only one with the opportunity to protect it is… me.

 

Bear with me, friends. I’ll bounce back. I have faith in that.

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22 comments to It’s not you, it’s me.

  • Courtney

    Love, hugs, prayers and complete understanding from this online friend!

  • Good luck with his surgery. Your family will be in my thoughts!

  • I think you need to tell all the insensitive or rude commenters to shove it and just move along.

    • You’re so funny, Heather. :) Honestly, people aren’t being all that rude at all. That’s why I *know* it’s me. I just need to let go of my need to justify/explain everything… at least for now!

  • Becky

    I wish your dear sweet boy best of luck. You and your family are in my thoughts. Hugs.

  • I feel like you and I are a lot alike. I’m so sensitive. And I think it actually increases online, not decreases like it does for some others. Prayers and hugs for you my friend. You are so loved.
    xoxoxo.

    • I adore the online world, but the lack of expression/emotion makes things hard to read. Added to that, people rush sometimes in their comments and things can come across more harshly than they may have been intended. (I think. Maybe people mean to be harsh… but I hope not!) xoxoxo to you, friend!

  • I completely understand! I’ve had a meltdown today with a second leak in the roof (we’re living with family and they haven’t fixed the roof since a hurricane in …2004?) I have a toddler who doesn’t want to potty and has made every attempt to defy me at every turn today and people are being pretty insensitive to me today. Maybe it’s my circumstances, maybe I’m tired, maybe I think (deep down) that we’ll never get out of this house. I can truly appreciate your “effervescence!” I try to do that, but some days it’s a total front…like today. Deep down, I’m mad, upset, distraught, hopeless. “I’m fine.” Keep up the good work and remember that God has it all under control. Prayers out for your little A and the surgery coming up! Peace and love.

    • Oh, Lynell… I am sending you virtual hugs right now. I’m so very sorry you’re having a tough day. I truly do think it affects our perspective on everything and makes things so much harder! I’ll be thinking about you and hope things are looking up. <3

  • mlearley

    JessieLeigh, I’m so sorry you are going through so much right now. Those times are hard when everything just feels like it’s falling apart. I seriously just had a week like that and perfect timing (as our God does) our message on Sunday was about the book of Psalm and using those verses to pray when you don’t know how or what to say. I just wanted to share one of those for you now since I don’t know what to pray for you: Psalm 5:1-3 “Listen to my words, Lord,consider my lament. Hear my cry for help, my King and my God, for to you I pray.In the morning, Lord, you hear my voice; in the morning I lay my requests before you and wait expectantly.” When it comes to our kids, it’s hard not to be concerned with even routine procedures. I will pray for peace and that A’s surgery goes well. Find peace my friend! :)

  • Jennie

    My God offer you comfort and peace during this time.

    Take care of your self and I hope to hear more soon.

    • I promise to let you all know more about what’s happening next week, Jennie. It’s a week from today now that he goes in for surgery. So hard on my mama heart, though I’m confident he’ll do great. :)

  • Carol Bond

    Oh JL, I hope all is well with your sweet boy! I tend to be one of those people that rush in my comments (perhaps not here, but I know I have elsewhere for sure…and I am sorry if I have here too.:( ). I have to watch myself IRL too. I cannot tell you how often people say I come across abruptly or briskly. So perhaps it isn’t just you. :) Maybe sometimes…it’s us too…

    Good reminder to me to be cautious and “remember the human” as they used to say in the old message boards.

    I love reading your blog, Facebook posts, and comments. You brighten my days often and make me think always. (Sometimes you make me cry too, but I don’t hold it against you. :P I know, I know, crying is good for the soul. Heck, everything has me tearing up anymore, both happy and sad tears. Some body gives me a compliment about the necklace I am wearing and here come the waterworks! LOL!)

    Seriously, I hope and pray everything is smooth sailing for that surgery and that your winter passes soon. We’re not even that cold here in SC, but I’m ready for spring too! *hugs*

  • Celine

    ((hugs))… Praying for you all.

    I am sorry if my comments on any of your posts or FB posts have ever come across in a manner that has upset you or made you feel attacked. Never was such my intention.

    • I’ve never felt you were attacking me, Celine. Honestly, I put too much pressure on myself to respond to every single person’s voice or opinion and THAT’S what drains me. Giving myself the freedom to just let differing views stand without explanation is a decision I’m making just to give myself a little emotional rest. :)

  • Katie

    Dealing with debates and criticism can be so emotionally draining, I don’t blame you for taking a step back for awhile. Take care! xoxo

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