One Year Ago

It was a year ago that I skipped dinner, too edgy to eat whatever it was I had served up that night. A year ago that I kissed my children goodnight and whispered to my husband that I was running out to get some things. He nodded, knowing full-well what I was doing.

I stopped at Subway and grabbed a ham sandwich, realizing that I felt queasy and figuring I really should eat something. And then on to CVS.

I wasted no time when I got home. I already knew what it was going to say.

It was a year ago today that I learned we were expecting our fourth baby.

There was shock. Financial and logistical worries that flitted through our minds. But, then, at the heart of it all… pure and simple joy. It was impossible not to be excited about a brand new little life.

I feel like this healing process has been full of so many highs and lows. There was the initial devastating blow of learning there was no more heartbeat. The encouragement of our baptism of desire. The pain of deciding to have a D&C. The bitterness of seeing other pregnant women or learning of others’ pregnancies. The joy of seeing friends’ babies born. The passing of my due date amid a flurry of health crises within my family.

In many ways, I’m doing well. I really and truly do recognize the blessings in my life and I don’t dwell on the sadness all that often. But, of course, it’s still there.

I feel like people are waiting for me to announce I’m expecting again, and I wish I could tell them to stop that. It creates an obnoxious level of pressure and I feel like I can never utter the words, “I have exciting news!” ever again.

I feel like I’ve done a good job of focusing on the positive and celebrating the good, but there’s still a part of me that wonders exactly what happens with this hole I still have…

Will it ever heal completely closed?

Will I find a way to fill it?

Will I tear it open even more in order to grow in new ways?

I don’t know.

But, one year ago, we got the most surprising, amazing news. And, today, I’m just so, so sad that we don’t have the three-month-old we had expected to be holding…