Horribly Sexually Inadequate

When I think about it, it’s amazing how little I knew about my failure at being a wife before I started reading blogs.  Most notably, it’s staggering to think that I didn’t realize how horribly sexually inadequate I was until I started poring over articles written by “godly women” who embraced their roles of “helpmeet” whole-heartedly and who, clearly, understood what biblical submission looks like.

 

I had never realized, for example, that I was actually acting out a grave sin against God any time I wasn’t in the mood to have sex with my husband.  I didn’t know that my saying, “Oh, Sweetie, I am truly just beaten down after a day of schlepping three little ones to the pediatrician and I think I need to sleep” was akin to me taking a stance against our Lord and what He wants from me.   Is it strange that that had never occurred to me?

 

I also hadn’t realized that all men have much higher sex drives than women.  Did you know?  It would seem that a good mom, a godly mom, would be found teaching this hard fact to her daughters so that they will be prepared as they enter into marriage.  No one ever told me that when I was growing up.  Was I starting out my life lacking important knowledge?

 

Perhaps most shockingly, I wasn’t one bit aware that, should I not make myself pretty (but modestly so!  femininely so!) and sexually available at all times to my husband, well, then, I was (at least in large part) responsible for him turning to infidelity or porn.  It is a NEED, after all, and if I am not ever at-the-ready, what is my poor man to do?  I certainly couldn’t expect him to take it in stride, suck it up, and try again tomorrow night (or next week or next month, for heaven’s sake), right?

 

It scares me, to be honest.  I am raising two little girls (and a son, for that matter.)  I desperately want them to find good, solid, loving relationships with spouses who will support and grow with them in their faith.  I want them to be loyal, monogamous, and satisfied in their marriages.  Of course I do.

 

But do I want my daughters to think that having fluctuations in desire makes them flawed?  Or that they must forever and always ignore their own feelings in the interest of making their men happy?  I don’t think so.  Do I want my son to think that, once he’s married, he should be entitled to “get it” whenever he wants it?  No.  I do not.  I’d like to think I’ll have more respect for my future daughter-in-law than that…

 

Do I want either of my daughters to think that, should she happen to have a higher sex drive than some, there’s something wrong with her?  Or, if one of them should marry a man who DOESN’T want sex all the time, do I want her to think there’s something lacking in her (or him)?  No, I don’t.  I shudder to think what such a generalization implies.  We are all so beautifully and individually made.  We are also so very prone to self-doubt.  Why would I set her up for that?

 

And, finally, while I believe whole-heartedly that it’s important for both my husband and me to work hard to please one another, I refuse to believe that a “lack” there somehow makes someone less accountable for his or her actions when it comes to infidelity.  I know for a fact that there have been periods of discontent during our near ten years of marriage and the result was never turning outside the marriage.  It has always, always, required a turning toward each other and talking it out.

 

But if I don’t feel like I have some kind of say when it come to sexuality… if I don’t feel like my needs have some significance… if I’m so desperate to “fulfill a role” that I never fully immerse myself in my true feelings… how will I even know how to express myself when things go awry?  If I don’t have the confidence to know that what I am thinking and feeling about sex also matters, deeply, when it comes to the success of our relationship, how are we going to ever grow deeper and closer in both our emotional and sexual union?

 

I’m so glad no one ever told me those things in my formidable years or my years of early marriage.  I’m glad I didn’t have one of “those talks” with my mom and I’m glad they never told us these things in our pre-marriage counseling.  Mostly, I’m so glad I married a man who, when I carefully and quietly suggested these ideas to him, laughed out loud and talked me off the ledge when I started worrying I had failed him somehow.

 

Can I raise my daughters up to be good, proper Christian wives without those lessons?  I guess we’ll see.  Because I’m bound and determined to give it my best shot.

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11 comments to Horribly Sexually Inadequate

  • Jennie

    THANK YOU!!!! Your courage is huge and this post is amazing.

    I pray that I can teach my daughter a much healthier view of sexuality than I learned. I didn’t learn anything and therefore have learned the very hard way about my own sexuality.

    I’ve always learned that God wanted us to enjoy sex and the term submissive is not what we view today. Men nor women can enjoy such an intimate and loving act if it’s not mutual.

    Thank you again for sharing such an amazing post.

    • I love that you used the word “healthier”, Jennie, because THAT is what I wish for, too. I want my daughters, well, ALL my kiddos, to be secure, happy, and healthy. I’m just not sure some of the “lessons” I see will lead to that end…

  • Courtney

    Amen and amen!!!!!!! Excellent post.

  • Amanda Wade

    I think what people forget in terms of submission in the context of sexual desire is that most godly men who truly love, honour, and cherish their wives…probably wouldn’t want to force them to have sex if they weren’t up for it. There are many times we’ve ‘planned’, and then I got a headache (an actual one lol), or I just came home exhausted, and so did he. And sex gets put on the back burner, and sometimes I feel bad, and then he’s all “I don’t want you to do something you don’t really want to do just for me.” I think that’s the attitude most reasonable husbands would have. You should teach your daughters to look for a man like that, and teach your son to be one. I’m sure you’re married to one too, so that should be easy! :)

    • I totally agree with what you’re saying, Amanda. I think it goes beyond the idea of “he wouldn’t force me”, in my view, though. Of course I married a man who would never force me to be intimate if I didn’t want to be on occasion. Honestly, the alternative is terrifying to me! But, even more than that, it should not be viewed as a “wifely failure” for me to stand up for my own legitimate feelings. Not only should he not force me, he should respect and value my feelings, emotions, and absolute entitlement to make my own decisions regarding sexuality sometimes. I am in no way suggesting that using sex as a weapon or continually withholding it is the right thing to do. But having actual sexual feelings and desires beyond “making myself available to my husband”? I think that’s a very good thing.

  • I love what Amanda said there in the comments! Yes, wives do submit but the other part is that husband love their wives as God loves the church (Eph. 5:25). And yeah I also agree with you that infedilety is never ok, you couldn’t ever find an excuse to justify it. I loved this post. This needs to be talked about when the time is right for parents and kids. It would save a lot of heartache in marriage. Sometimes it’s nice to know that how we’re feeling is perfectly normal.

    • I do think it needs to be talked about, Miranda. And I think that girls need to empowered to understand that biblical submission does not necessarily equal passive acceptance, if that makes sense. A “godly woman” can be confident, have opinions, and actually ENJOY sex– all without offending God or her husband. :)

  • THIS is the kind of post that reminds me of the bazillions of theories and opinions and solutions on the multitudes of issues out there. OUT THERE on the great big world wide web.

    I love the internet. I love learning about people and different ways of thinking and doing things.

    Sometimes, though, we’d be better off to stop. JUST STOP READING, and do what works for us.

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