When I asked God “why?”… and He answered.

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I hated Indiana.


Okay, “hate” is too strong of a word. But I definitely did NOT like living there, especially in the first year. I was lonely, lost, isolated, and sad most of the time.


We moved to Indiana for two big reasons: 1) to be in an area with a low cost of living so I could continue to stay home with our infant and 2) to be closer to my father-in-law who had been diagnosed with stage 4 cancer.


We moved there on June 1st. Before August ended, I would be pregnant with our second child and my father-in-law would be gone from this earth.


When my husband finally found a job, it was one that was two hours away (each direction) and without benefits. I was sick, weak, lonely, and struggling as I battled nausea and cared for a five month old.


I can remember sobbing and asking God, “Why? Why did I come HERE? I’m so unhappy.”


As you well know by now, in the wee hours of Christmas Eve that year, we welcomed our second child… our C., who arrived so, so very early.


As soon as I was able to be transported to the NICU via wheelchair, I was rarin’ to go. Surrounded by my in-law family, I was pushed slowly down the hall.


I vomited into the basin I carried.


While my husband (bless his heart) went to clean that out and get me a damp paper towel and my sister-in-law pulled my hair back, I glanced over at a wall.


“Top 3 NICU Ten Years Running”


I read the sign over and over again. Perused the list. Saw our children’s hospital coming in at or near the very top of the charts year after year.


They turned my wheelchair ’round the corner so I could go see my tiny, tiny baby girl with such a tough road ahead.


And I heard God whisper,


“This is why you’re here, my child. You needed to be here for her.”

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9 comments to When I asked God “why?”… and He answered.

  • Jennie

    Wow, is all I can really say.

    I only wish I had listened when God was so clearly trying to tell me something.

  • Carrie

    Ok you just made me cry. At work. Thanks JL ;) God is good, even when we question Him :)

  • Susan

    Your story made me cry. at work too! As you know, I have a one pound preemie, now 11. We are also very attached to our NICU. It has scary, scary memories and the best memories. And, I grew up in Indiana. It’s not so bad once you get used to the gray skies, thunder storms, tornados and humidity. Lucky, I was too young to need a job back then.

    • Oh, Indiana has its perks! ;) I still miss parts of it. I think that I was captivated by the peace and solitude of the farmhouse we bought and neglected to realize just how ALONE I would feel there, pregnant with an infant. As the years went on, I grew more comfortable, but I’m happier in more of a neighborhood now. We each need to find the right fit, I think. :) For now, I really enjoy VISITING Indiana. Ha!

  • Harriet

    I read this out loud to my husband as we are sitting here waiting on our dinner to cook. It was all I could do not to cry. As we sometimes say in the South, “Ain’t God good!” It’s more of a statement than a question.

  • Dawn

    By the time I got to the end I was fighting back tears. What a beautiful story.

  • Just found you through comments at money saving mom. It is amazing how the Lord puts us in the right place at the right time. Our daughter came at 27 weeks a little over a year ago, and we were so blessed by a high-quality NICU only 15 minutes from our home. It is always nice to “meet” another NICU mom. Thank you for sharing your story!

    • Thanks for stopping by and saying “hi”, Rachel! It delights me to hear of other early preemies and their stories. Hooray for excellent NICUs and the amazing doctors and nurses who staff them. I’ve no doubt our daughter would not be here without them!

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