What They Don’t Tell You About Married Sex

Dolled-up for no reason other than I have a hot hubby. ;)

It’s no secret that, when it comes to the silver screen and popular TV shows, hook-ups are hotter than marriages. Multiple partners are sexier than monogamy. Premarital sex is not only accepted, but expected, often with some arbitrary “third date” rule attached.


We all know that this is a dangerous mine-field to navigate with our children. Mine are far too little to be watching any of these shows or movies just yet, but I know the time will come. If not here, then at a friend’s, and it’s something I need to acknowledge.


What message are they getting? What does this teach them about the value of monogamy and the sanctity of marriage? What teen watching these shows would emerge with the conclusion that it’s awesome to “save yourself” for that one and only?


It’s a legitimate concern. It’s bothersome to me, not so much that premarital sex and serial bed partners exist on-screen (face it– they exist in real life), but that the flip-side is never portrayed as nearly as sexy or exciting.


Still, while it concerns me what effect this slanted view is having on our young people, to be honest, it concerns me just as much what effect it is having on those of us who are already wives…


Over and over again, pop culture and media assaults us with the idea that we’re not young enough, slick enough, thin enough, flashy enough, pretty enough, or– and this might be the most hurtful– NEW and EXCITING enough to be a thrill in the sack.


“Single person” hook-ups involve sassy clothes, trendy cocktails, and falling against a door-frame because you.just.can’t.wait.any.longer.


“Married person” hook-ups involve boring jammies, talking about the kids’ report cards and, then, maybe, kicking off a tangle with a perfunctory kiss that, perhaps, leads to more.


Hmm. It’s disheartening to say the least, is it not? And, to be honest, what makes some of us a bit squirmy is that, in some cases, it’s a little too true. While I’m a huge fan of getting dolled up, wearing silky stuff, and making slick cocktails at home, the fact of the matter is… sometimes you’ll find me in flannel PJ pants, talking over the day’s events. Such is life.


But what the shows always leave out– but what is CRITICAL that we remember (and teach our children)– is this…


::When I wake up the next morning? I know he’s going to be there.

::There is no question whatsoever that he’ll call me the next day. And email me. And smooch on me at some point.

::I never need to doubt that he respects me. He respected me enough to put a band on my finger.

::He knows me– likes, dislikes, quirks, issues, and all– and naturally takes them all into account.

::I know exactly whose bed he’ll be in the next night.

::I am important. Critical. Irreplaceable and valuable.


Please, fellow wives, don’t ever, every buy into the hype. What you have is not only just as exciting, it has the possibility to be even more thrilling and satisfying…


Because, while the single set is worrying about what to wear, if he’ll call, and how to ensure he doesn’t move on…


We can be focusing on just making it amazing.

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15 comments to What They Don’t Tell You About Married Sex

  • Melissa D

    I LOVE this. :) My husband and I waited until our wedding night and sex is definitely the part of our relationship that works the BEST. Have you read the Five Conversations with your Son/Daughter books by Vicki Courtney? Lots of helpful information in their for The Talk that happens throughout their lives!

  • Laraba

    Our older girls are 12 and 11 and we’ve already talked a fair amount about sex and God’s plan. Your post is great and reminds me to talk about it still more. We live a quiet life in the country and are not at other people’s houses often, so I am 100% confident our children have never watched any of “those shows” yet…but of course you are right and they will. And those shows are appalling. Could we PLEASE have a sitcom sometime where there is a hookup followed by an unwanted pregnancy and/or nasty sexually transmitted disease? Nope, don’t think we’ll see THAT anytime soon. And it is all so false…I really believe that being together for a long time (we just celebrated our 15 anniversary) is one factor in great marital intimacy. We know each other well, we have confidence in our mutual love, we are willing to serve one another, and the result is that sex is what is should be, a gift from the Lord instead of a curse. I keep reminding the children that it IS a gift, but a gift that must be used in the right context or it can bring such suffering and grief.

    • I love your whole comment, Laraba, but that last line really resonates: “it IS a gift, but a gift that must be used in the right context or it can bring such suffering and grief.” I think that message is so, so important. It’s vital that we not scare our children, but rather guide them in the direction that will lead to the greatest results (and that God intended).

  • Oh my goodness, JessieLeigh, this post is amazing!! I sometimes wish I could shield my daughter from all the outside influences and I can do the best I can, but she will be on her own eventually. It’s so amazing to wait, people :). Never in my life will I regret that and no one can tell me differently. The world says you have to live together before you get married but oh wait!- divorice rate is 50%. I can say with complete confidence that the Bible is the truth. Loved this post!!

  • It does seem that most movies/shows are glorifying the exciting hook up times instead of the marriage. BUT there are definitely examples that do portray marriage as sexy and exciting, (not that your kids are old enough for those either). ;) I know you haven’t read or watched but just so you know Bella and Edward waited for marriage in Twilight. The Dunphys of Modern Family have been married long enough to have a college aged daughter and still reference exciting bedroom times (you don’t see it of course). Hopefully we can steer are kiddos away form the flicks that are all about the hook up…I suspect this will be easier for boys…not too much romance in the super hero world. ;)

    • Surely we’ve discussed my feelings about “vampire shows” before? ;)

      You’re very correct about the parents in Modern Family– and that IS a good example… of course, their teenage daughter is also sexually active. So… I wonder if one kind of washes the other out.

      Super heroes don’t have romance??? How sad! ;)

  • This is an awesome post. I love your reasons for knowing he will stay and still respect you the next day. So true, and beautiful when done as God designed!

  • YOU ARE FABULOUS! This is such an inspiring quote! I’ve been thinking a lot about this, too, and how to tastefully write about it. But I don’t have to–you did! THANK YOU so much for reiterating what I already know to be true! Have a fabulous weekend and a restful Sabbath! :)

  • Thank you for reminding the world that married sex is HOT! We have two sons (20 & 16) Our oldest was getting teased by some “friends” because he’s and athlete but wasn’t a “ladies man”. They told him he treated girls too well! One who bragged about his conquests, also has a child. Our son decided to remind him that when he gets his extra money he gets to spend it or save it for what ever he likes instead of on diapers! (slam dun!) Our conversations with our sons are an ongoing process. (http://goo.gl/ty3vi) Both of them have made a commitment to their future not because we forced them but because we shared the reality and the beauty of sex as it is intended by God. It is not easy and not always comfortable, but it is worth it and possible.

  • mlearley

    There are so many shows that my husband and I enjoy watching but there’s just too much casual sex. Our pastor one Sunday had a message on sex and how there’s really no such things as “casual” b/c it’s so emotional. That’s what a lot of these shows don’t show, how it hurts when the guy never calls back or when they end up with an unwanted pregnancy or STD. There’s so much more than just sex that goes on with the body. Our girls are much to young to have these discussions yet but I hope when they are older we are comfortable talking about these things.

  • [...] What They Don’t Tell You About Married Sex – So true! [...]

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