Flat

Flat.

It is flat, my belly.

No mound, no swell, no ripple, no pucker.

Flat.

My hand slips over,

willing a curve to build,

craving the tap-tap of promise.

Flat.

Tears pool in the crease of

a mouth that is a flat line.

No curve, no turn, no flash of dimple.

Flat.

My emotions are so dulled, so dimmed,

No sparkle, no thrill, no eagerness,

The budding excitement flattened into nothing.

I live a life of

Flat.

 

I should have been seven months pregnant today, my friends.

The twentieth of each month is hard for me, as ridiculous as that might be. I mean, really, the odds that my baby would have actually been born on September 20th are slim to none but, still, I ache when that number pops up on my calendar.

 

Even I, with my tendency to carry tiny, would have had a little bump by now. I would have felt those blessed somersaults and would (finally!) have had people asking me if I was expecting.

 

But instead I work out. I smile for the world and say “thank you” when people tell me how impressive my flat tummy is.

 

I would trade it in a heartbeat.

 

I don’t want it.

 

I want that baby who I will never, ever have.

 

And I’m so, so sorry to dump all this out there. Because I know– I KNOW– that people expect me to have moved on. No one ever, ever mentions the baby I lost. I don’t expect them to– I know they probably don’t want to upset me. But not talking about her doesn’t make her less real. And it doesn’t mean it didn’t happen…

 

I’ll smile again tomorrow. I promise. But today, the heart-wrenching twentieth, I’m just going to put one foot in front of the other as I walk this flat walk.

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39 comments to Flat

  • I’ve had that same heartache…it dulls, but I don’t think it will ever go away. {{{hugs}}}

  • jamie

    I’m so sorry. Thinking of you.

  • thrresa

    Thinking of u today….

  • Celine

    ((hugs))… Thinking and praying for you today.

  • I cried myself to sleep the other night when I realized that by now I would be able to feel my baby kicking inside me. It just hurts…and everyone else has forgotten or pretends to have forgotten about it.

    Hugs and wishes for tender, joyful moments for you today.

  • Love you, my friend. No apologies are necessary. Every life is beautiful.

  • Lisa

    I’m so sorry for your loss. I’ve been there before, three times, and it is very hard…

  • I am so grateful you shared and my heart goes out to you :)

  • Jennifer

    A friend of mine is going through this right now. Found out a couple of weeks ago there was no heart beat :(. I wish there was something that I could do for her but nothing will ever replace her loss. I’m sorry for your loss too. Your baby is in heaven with God.

  • Laraba

    JL,

    I’m so sorry, and sorry for not asking you how you have been doing after your loss. I do sometimes wonder if someone wants to “put it behind her” even though with all my miscarriages, I’ve wanted people to SAY SOMETHING. But I know I’m just me and perhaps there are some who don’t want to talk about it after several months have gone by. Please continue to share your feelings here…it tells those of us who are reading that you need more prayer and that we should talk about your loss. Your little one was precious and is precious. You will always grieve her though I expect the pain will diminish in time.

    My prayers are with you, Laraba

    • Your comment really resonated with me, Laraba… because it is so true that we all grieve differently. I, too, know people who really don’t WANT to talk about loss and suffering. Meanwhile, I desperately want to, but feel ashamed to mention it. It’s a hard, hard road, no matter what…

  • :( I am sorry, friend. I don’t think there’s any acceptable cut off for grieving your loss. No need to apologize for sharing your heart.

  • Kathy H.

    Thank you for so eloquently describing your grief. It is all too often swept under the rug but there is healing in giving it a voice. My youngest died when she was 5 months old – different situation, I know but even 7 years later, I am still glad when someone mentions it. There is also healing in the remembering…

  • Sheri B

    Thinking of you as you work through your grief and pain. Each November, I relive the same pain as you and this year it will be 9 years. No one thinks about it but me. Although it has been that long, I still spend that day going through the pain again and wondering what my son would be like today. Just keep your spirits up and know that the pain will lessen over time but your daughter will always be in your heart.

    • I don’t ever want to forget her… I want to feel less pain, sure, but I hope she always has a place in my heart. And I do hope there are some in my life who will always respect that. Thank you for sharing your journey– I am so sorry you’ve had to live this pain.

  • we lost our first one at 8 weeks. we would have had him/her in the middle of december 2009. it was so hard to bear. i still feel some sadness b/c we never got to meet that baby. we have a 2 year old son now who is the light of my life, but sometimes that pang is still there. loss is always tough.

  • Sarah G

    I have lost a child in utero as well and I know the pain you are experiencing. The pain does ease with time but I still wonder about what could have been. A year after my loss, I was pregnant again with a girl and she had the exact same due date as the one I lost! I know this was Hods way of telling me that I was meant to have a baby born on that day and that He was in charge. Lots of love to you! Xoxo

    • Kim N

      Sarah, I have a similar experience as yours. We lost a baby in 2008 and her due date was feb 11. After 2 more miscarriages, we were pregnant again with the due date of feb 11. I truly believe God set it up that way to give us a child and bring some healing and closure to my grief. It’s amazing to hear how he worked in a similar way in your life.

      JessieLeigh, there will be many milestones that you will pass that will bring the pain back fresh. The due date will probably be the hardest. If possible, plan to do something with your husband to remember the baby you lost. Try to find someone to watch your kids for the day, so you can feel free to release your emotions. Keep a box of tissues nearby too. Passing that milestone of the due date was the hardest to me, but it also brought about a degree of the closure. You will never forget your baby and you will be forever changed, but it will continue to get easier.

      If you feel extremely down for long periods of time, get help! I know you’ve shared your experience with postpartum depression. This history makes you more likely to have a recurrance of depression. Also speaking from personal experience here. :(

      Also, I seem to be the only one eho hurts and relives the pain of the day we found out we lost the babies or the due date. My husband doesn’t even seem to remember. I don’t know why people do not remember or acknowledge it, but you are not alone.

      Though I don’t “know” you, I am praying for you. I pray God will bring healing to your heart, will give you grace as you grieve, and will wrap you up in his loving arms.

      • Thank you, so much, for your prayers, Kim. I am so blessed by the support of this online community… I haven’t been as fortunate in finding that “in real life”. I so appreciate your words.

    • Your story gave me chills, Sarah. I love seeing God’s hand like that!

  • I just started following your blog and wanted to say hi. I also want to say that my heart breaks for you. I’m been hearing about so many baby deaths lately. Miscarriages, stillbirths, death sortly after birth, even misdiagnosis that lead to miscarriages, it’s all so heart breaking. I had a miscarriage in 03. The pain lessings, but never really goes away.

  • I think about you often (at least every time I say something about this pregnancy on facebook) as I know your baby would have been just days apart from our little man. I don’t know firsthand the pain you’re experiencing, but I do know well the love a mama has for her babes even when they are in her womb.

    Don’t be sorry for posting about your baby. I certainly wouldn’t have guessed you would have moved on…the pain may ease somewhat over time, but how could a mama every completely “move on” from the loss of a baby? <3

  • Oh sweet girl! I understand. I’m still sad mid- December and mid-July, even though it’s been 6 years.

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