The devil spoke to me last night.

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The devil spoke to me last night.

 

In dreams, I cried, arms aching for the baby I’ll never hold to my breast. Tears burning my cheeks and soaking my pillowcase. And I heard him…

 

“you didn’t want that baby enough,” he hissed.

 

“I did! I do! Oh, I love that baby,” I sobbed.

 

“you were scared. you were happy with three children. you hesitated to celebrate when you learned this baby grew in you…”

 

“I was just surprised! I hadn’t thought it would happen– but, oh, oh! I was also so excited…”

 

“you had wine. you had sipped from a glass even on the very night you found out. you didn’t care enough.”

 

“It was less than half a glass! I didn’t know! And I…”

 

“maybe if you’d been a better mother, a more loving mother, a more selfless human, it would have ended differently…”

 

And I cried in anguish.

 

he is wrong. I know this, with all of my being. I know this as much as I know that I will always, always love our precious fourth baby. he is vicious, evil, and I am determined to never, ever give his words weight or credence…

 

So today, in the bright sunlight, I seek refuge in the arms of my Father. I weep in the comfort of His embrace and lean in close to hear His words, to hear Him murmur the words to mend my broken heart…

 

You are Mine. You are enough. You are loved… And so is your baby.

 

In His arms, the devil cannot hurt me.

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18 comments to The devil spoke to me last night.

  • Jessie Leigh…
    It’s hard to see the screen through my tears…what a powerful dream…and so powerfully true message from God.
    Sending you a very big hug and all my love. He’s holding your baby…:). I bet my Grama is there with them watching over us.
    My loving prayers,
    Michy

  • Thank you for this. Today marks 10 months since I last held my beautiful daughter, alive. Last night was a rough night for me. So many times I feel like I didn’t do enough for her, feel guilt for why she was so sick (what did I do to form such a sick baby in my womb?) etc etc. You gave me the reminder that I needed, at just the right time. Hoping for peace and comfort for you today.

    • Oh, Miranda… I am so truly sorry. I pray for your peace and comfort as well. That guilt that creeps in is awful and completely unfounded, but it can feel so real and oppressive. Thinking of you today and wishing I could be there for you…

  • Tracy

    When I have bad dreams or hear that evil voice, I start praying, “St Michael, the archangel, defend me in battle…” It always works! (((hugs)))

  • sonja

    I remember those freelings & nightmares after my first miscarriage. My husband was getting ready for his second deployment to Iraq. I had had a newborn the first deployment & was afraid I couldn’t handle it again. When I lost the baby, I blamed myself. It is a horrible place to be. So glad you have found comfort in our loving Father’s arms. Hugs and prayers for you

  • praying for you! In my heart. For a peace that surpasses all understanding. That satan may be binded and his words would be meaningless. You are an amazing mom and wife! Thanks for always sharing your heart.

  • Ack! How awful to stir and wake up to that. :(

  • Sherri

    Oh, my heart aches for you! How terrible this enemy of ours is; how awful his lies & deception are! He is already defeated and has no power over you…you are God’s! Praying God’s peace and love to continue to surround you.

  • earleyml

    Oh JessieLeigh, I’m so sorry you had this awful nightmare but I’m so glad you were able to find peace and comfort in our Lord! I remember having similar thoughts after we lost our baby. There was one day in my pregnancy that I felt so sick, tired and my husband and I were fighting a lot the night before. That day during work I had thoughts like “I wish I wasn’t pregnant so we weren’t fighting like this.” I felt awful about it and prayed right away. However, after my miscarriage that day played over and over in my head. God gave me comfort too in knowing that He wasn’t punishing me for those thoughts.

    • Oh, sweet friend, my heart ached for you when I read this. It is miserable to have to doubt yourself in addition to suffering such devastating loss. I am so, so glad you, too, found comfort through God… He is so merciful, it’s madness that we would ever think we’d be punished. (But it’s hard not to harbor guilt, sometimes…)

  • Laraba

    JL, Oh, what a dreadful dream! I know I felt guilty after our first miscarriage…I take my responsibility as a mother seriously and I thought I had failed my baby in that she (or he) had a major problem that resulted in the miscarriage. I knew it was illogical but those feelings of guilt were very powerful!

    I have pondered the following as well…with the baby I just had, I was NOT happy when I learned I was pregnant. We had 7 kids already and the youngest was only a 10 month old baby at the time. I felt totally overwhelmed and I was fairly certain I would miscarry anyway given that I had lost 4 of the last 6 pregnancies to miscarriage. In spite of a lot of angst and anxiety and fear, I carried the baby to term and he is 2 weeks old now. And of course we are head over heels in love with him. But the point is…in spite of mixed emotions about the pregnancy, he was fine. I was of course careful what I ate, drank, and did but just THOUGHTS had nothing to do with whether he made it or not. (I feel guilty saying I was ambivalent about the pregnancy, but I’m being real here!)

    • I so appreciate your candor and willingness to be real, Laraba. It means so very much to me. And I know what you say is true. It’s so hard not to over-analyze these things but, in reality, there is no blame to be placed. I have to fight those evil whispers…

  • The words to a southern gospel song came to mind when I read your post – “Don’t doubt in the darkness what God as shown you in the light.” But darkness is just the time that satan attacks. Hugs sweet friend.

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