Our Fourth Baby

(I wrote this letter the day before we learned our 4th baby no longer had a heartbeat.  We suspected we might receive that news– the heartbeat had already showed signs of slowing the week before.  It’s taken me a long time to find the strength to post it… I hope you all are able to understand why it’s important for me to get these words out there.)

Dear Quatro,

 

That’s what we called you, your daddy and I, when we’d write each other emails and giggle about what a fun secret you were.  You were so very, very unexpected, but so immediately cherished.  I want you to know that.  I want you to know that, while we did not see a fourth child in our future, God did, and we were never upset about it.  Surprised, but happy, right from the start.  From the moment that second pink line showed up, I prayed for you, sweet one, and fervently hoped all would work out well.

 

I dreamed you were a girl.  A third for us, all in a row.  Six pounds, fourteen ounces.  I woke up smiling after that night.

 

Around here, four kids equals a big family.  That never bothered us.  I would sit in Mass and envision how much of the pew we would take up with our growing family and it always made me smile.

 

Did you know that your older brother prayed for you?  He did.  Well, in fairness, he prayed specifically for a baby brother, but he did know that we don’t get to choose such things and he was okay with that.  Every time I’d remind him to pray, his very first one was, “God, please send me a baby brother… ” and he’d ask me, from time to time, “When’s God going to put that baby in your tummy?”  He had said that prayer the very night I found out about you, precious baby.  How ’bout that.

 

Your daddy and I had no preference about your gender.  It would have been a blast to have “two and two”, but we’ve gotten pretty handy at parenting daughters, too.  So, so early, it was, but still we tossed names back and forth when we wrote to one another throughout the day.  Surprisingly, we seem to have little trouble agreeing on names and, while we definitely never set anything in stone, we were confident enough to call you “M” or “G”.

 

I love you.  I guess that’s what I really want to say.  I love you so very much.  I never knew how much happier or more complete I would feel with you growing inside me.  I never could have guessed.  Even while fatigue destroyed our evenings and nausea ravaged my afternoons, I was always so, so happy and felt so blessed to call you mine.  I keep telling myself that He’s got this.  That God has this all under control.  I pray, again and again, “Thy will be done” and try desperately to cling to those words.

 

But I can’t help the fact that I already have my own ideas about what His will should be.  I cannot wrap my brain around why you don’t belong here, on earth, with this family that loves and cherishes you so much, darling child.

 

You are perfect.  You are mine.  And you are, above all, so, so very loved…

 

God bless you and hold you, precious little one…

xoxo,

mama

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14 comments to Our Fourth Baby

  • WolfMommy

    Beautiful. Very sorry for your loss. Thank you for sharing your story with us.

  • Sherry

    I can completely relate to this. God chose to take three off my four children to be with Him. I had two miscarriages, then a miracle daughter 4 1/2 years ago. (I had to take hormones to keep her, then almost died having her.) Then, I had another miscarriage.

    I was able to see the heartbeats on ultrasound on two of the three “lost” babies. Our family is big, and I’m looking forward to the day when I get to meet my other 3 kids. We love you Jordan, Adriel and Mikel! And mommy & daddy love every precious minute on earth with YOU, Amanda! You are a blessing to us!

  • You are such an amazing mother, wife, and woman. Your strength and vulnerability both amaze me.

  • Oh, friend. This is so beautiful. You wrote that letter with so much vulnerabilty and emotion and I thank you for sharing it with us. I wish I could offer some profound sentiment or something to ‘help’ you but what I really just want to say is what a beautiful letter and what an amazing mom you are. xoxo.

  • Thinking of you and praying for you today

  • JG

    That was beautiful! We have three beautiful, spunky little girls. Not one of them were planned, but the best surprises ever! Not long ago, we decided to “see what happens” with another baby… I’ve had two early miscarriages since then. I’m still not sure what we’ll do next. I don’t know why those babies weren’t meant to be here now, just doing my best to trust Him. :) My prayers are with you! Thank you thank you thank you for posting this!

  • Laraba

    Makes me cry but it is a good kind of crying. I am so glad you have acknowledged and thought about and loved and written to your lost little one. I journaled and journaled about the 4 we lost but I can’t remember if I ever wrote to them, specifically. Maybe I did. Certainly I wept many tears over their early homecoming. I still struggle with it sometimes…for me some, but I was an older mom when I lost our 4, and I have 8 who lived. But just the losses in general…to all the women out there who long for even one, who long for another and can’t have another or lose multiple babies to miscarriage. God’s ways are definitely not my ways and miscarriage has taught me that.

    • Oh yes, Laraba… I am so puzzled sometimes by God’s ways. I remember seeing babies in the NICU born to drug addicts while I knew incredible women struggling with infertility. WHY? I just don’t know. It’s taken me a lot of years to realize I don’t need to know why… and I still struggle with it sometimes.

  • “It’s taken me a lot of years to realize I don’t need to know why… and I still struggle with it sometimes.”

    Always.

  • [...] dreams, I cried, arms aching for the baby I’ll never hold to my breast. Tears burning my cheeks and soaking my pillowcase. And I heard [...]

  • theresa

    Praying for u today

  • [...] It was a year ago today that I learned we were expecting our fourth baby. [...]

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