After a Miscarriage: Does it really get easier?

Yes. (Should I end the post right here? I kid.)

 

When you lose a baby, people will tell you, “It really does get easier. It takes time, but it gets easier.”

 

And, the reality is, they’re right. It doesn’t get easier because it’s less heart-breaking. It doesn’t get any easier because you have another baby (no, I’m not pregnant.) It doesn’t get easier because you forget. And it doesn’t get easier because you “get over it.”

 

No, it gets easier because it has to.

 

And I mean that in a couple of ways, actually. It has to get easier just because you can’t function otherwise. There is so much going on in most of our lives, and so many people who need us, that curling up in a ball and mourning isn’t an option. As trite as it sounds, life does go on and you simply have to get back on your feet and keep going forward. Not because you don’t miss your precious baby, but because that deep love mandates that you be the very best you can and that requires straightening your spine sometimes.

 

It also has to get easier simply because the human spirit can only bear so much. Time does ease pain and wounds… and I thank God for this fact daily. If we truly had to live perennially in the deep, penetrating pain of initial loss, we’d never endure. I cannot sob and vomit my way through my days while my heart cries out and just wants to burst out of my chest from the aching despair of it all. I just cannot. And, thankfully, I no longer do. I get up. I put one foot in front of the other. I can go days without crying.

 

It gets easier. But it doesn’t go away.

 

And I think it’s important for others to realize this, perhaps especially those who’ve never miscarried. While it gets easier and we may smile and laugh and seem utterly “healed”, the loss is always there. And the devastation can pop back up at any time and rear its heart-breaking head. The tiniest thing can cut us off at the knees.

 

Like this:

Can someone please tell the formula companies that I don’t have a little bundle on the way? That that precious dream was stripped the moment I heard those horrifying words, “no heartbeat”?

 

It gets easier. But it’s still hard.

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18 comments to After a Miscarriage: Does it really get easier?

  • Hmmm…. yes, I remember those mailings came for months. I always thought it got “easier” because I had more kids. Now, I’m wondering if that is the case.

    • I’m guessing that everyone heals in different ways. I’m sure having more children after miscarrying helps. I’m sure having children before you miscarry helps. I’m sure time helps. But I’m also pretty sure that it never goes away entirely. (Though, admittedly, I’m still fairly new to this type of hurt.)

  • I’m so glad I wasn’t on any doctors list to be sold to companies. :-( So sorry.

    And you’re right – it gets easier because it has too. Most days I feel great healing, some days I get hit with a ton of bricks. People are often surprised that I get teary when I talk about my baby, I can see it in their eyes – “oh crap! change the subject!”

    Life carries on and we have to go with it. Lucky for us, sometimes we get carried when the walking seems to tough. :-)

    • And wouldn’t you know they sent me two ginormous containers of formula powder just today? For heaven’s sake. At least we have a crisis pregnancy center I know can use it, but, still.

      And, oh, my friend… if He weren’t around to pick me up, dust me off, and carry me from time to time, I’d still be in a broken heap, no doubt. :) So much love to you.

  • A

    Thank you…it’s articles like these that give women, who, whether self imposed or by their families and friends are expected to be superhuman in emotion and action, permission to mourn. I had two miscarriages in the last two years, and people are so gentle and loving in the beginning, and then it becomes uncomfortable for them. The fact is…random things still bring me to my knees. I’m thankful for a loving, all knowing God who knows my every hurt, and snuggles me close in the midst of it.

    • I, too, am thankful for a God who loves me through my brokenness and gives me the strength to keep going. And YES to your remark about how people start out loving and gentle and then, poof!, it’s time to move on. It makes it hard. And I also feel like, if I AM having a good day, people assume that I’ve “put it behind me”…

  • Alice Jones

    Yes, it does get easier day by day. It’s the everyday events that make it happen. In June it will be a year since we lost our little one. And I still have my moments when I fall to pieces. Our hearts will forever be broken. Then you have people that have no clue what is going on & how heartbreaking it has been for my hubby & I. And to here ” You should just get over it, I did” or “Maybe if you losted some weight you could get pregnant again”. GRRRR They have no clue about my medical issues & trials…..So wish people would just say nothing at all. So thankful for a wonderful husband & that God has helped guide us through our ruff times!

    • Oh, Alice, I am so sorry to hear the thoughtless things people have said to you. We have a family member who remarked, “you don’t need any more kids! You’re better off.” :( So… yeah. Some people don’t get it at all. You will be in my prayers. I am so, so sorry you lost your sweet baby.

  • mlearley

    It does get easier and it’s true there will be days where you won’t be ok. I had a baby before and after my miscarriage, so those do help. However, even when pregnant with my after miscarriage baby there things that would make me remember the hurt/pain and I’d start bawling again. Now the thing that hurts me is when those I love are going through the same hurt. I just cry with them and pray with them for understanding and peace. Even though I don’t know you personally, I felt your pain and I cried your tears. Unless you’ve been through the pain, you don’t understand and I learned quickly to ignore the comments b/c they meant well but just didn’t understand. My own mother said stuff to me but I eventually let it roll off. Those mailings are awful! It’s a shame the OB offices don’t have a listing of “she’s not pregnant anymore.” I pray that you continue to find peace and healing! Lean on His everlasting arms!!

    • I have been so blessed to have my faith and some supportive friends who truly do GET it. :) You’re totally right, Michelle… you do have to learn to let some of it just roll off you. Dwelling on it just adds to the pain.

  • Yes, it is unbelievably painful! So sorry for your loss! I would cry over just seeing children after my 2 losses. Hugs to you, even though I just met you today!

  • Lori

    I had 2 miscarriages before I had my first daughter. It has been 4 years since my first one which hit me the hardest and on that day in March I still get upset about it. It does get easier but its still hard.

    • I would have been due on Sept 20th, Lori, and I find that the 20th of each month has been tough for me. I think that there will always be “trigger” days that bring that raw reminder, but I’m hoping that it eases with time… I am so very sorry for your losses. There’s just no way to erase the pain of losing precious children. :(

  • Laraba

    JessieLeigh,

    Thanks for this post. I have been wondering how you are doing and I pray that God will continue to comfort you as your mourn your lost little one. Our 4 babies in Heaven are still in my heart and I still mourn for them but yes, it gets easier as you said. Because it has to, because we have living children to care for and a marriage to maintain and life to live. BUT I never want to forget the ones I lost. I don’t think God wants that, and I still cry when someone else is going through a loss — cry in a good way. I think it is right to feel sad — it IS sad. I have probably said this before but I’ll say it again; as a culture, we don’t allow people enough time to grieve. Joseph (in the book of Genesis) mourned for 40 full days when his truly ancient father died. For us who have lost little ones, people give us maybe a month and then we are expected to be “over it”. Well, I’ll never be entirely “over it”. Those 4 miscarriages have changed who I am, not in a bad way. I hope I am more caring and more aware that every single child is a gift from the Lord. And that includes the ones who didn’t live past the first trimester.

    God bless you, Laraba

    • You are so very right… it gets easier, but we don’t forget. Those beloved babies will always be there, always live on in our hearts. But I am so, so grateful for the blessing of healing, too… there were moments there when I couldn’t imagine smiling again. I’m glad to know that I can. :)

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