Keeping it Sweet AND Spicy

For some odd reason, people don’t like to think that married relationships can be “spicy.”  We’re okay with the “sweet” part.  It’s what we hope for, after all… that we’ll find someone who is kind and gentle and loving and considerate– sweet stuff.  And no one is a bit bothered to hear about sweetness within a marriage.  At most, we might roll our eyes a bit at the “mushiness,” but it’s rare to see anyone offended by sweet.


Spicy though?  That’s a whole different ballgame.  I have a theory that it stems from our first exposure to marriage being that of our parents and, well, most people have no interest in even thinking about their parents having any kind of hot, spicy union.  Because we don’t like to think about wild passion in terms of Mom and Dad, it can be too easy to apply that same philosophy to the whole of marriage.


But that’s sad.  And, quite frankly, incorrect.


Have you ever heard alcohol described as a mood enhancer?  Happy people often get happier.  Sad people get more depressed.  Mean people get meaner.  Flirty people get flirtier.  Angry people get angrier.  Well, at the risk of making a crazy analogy, I’m going to suggest that marriage can act in the same way– it is an enhancer.


What was sweet when you were dating?  Is even sweeter when you’re married.  That whole time of “discovery” is lovely.  But you know what’s even lovelier?  A man who already knows your favorite color, the brand of juice you prefer, the music you like when you’re sad, and that you like your pinky secured when you hold hands.  (Oh, wait, that last one is probably just me…)  Going through the daily dance of life and being able to anticipate one another’s moves and needs is amazingly sweet.  The trust and understanding that comes with time allows you to brace each other through missteps and just keep on dancing.  Beautiful.


And what was spicy when you were newlyweds?  Can get kicked up several notches over time.   Because what’s hotter than a partner fumbling around trying eagerly to make you happy?  One who already knows how… and who wants to consistently improve on that game.  Because, and this is the key: passion can and should be like a fine wine or a great cheese– it should intensify and age well.  Beautiful.

So… how to live up to those lofty ideals I describe?  Well, I think there are three simple things we can do that will go a long way:


Don’t accept society’s implications.


Society and media will try to tell you that multiple sexual partners and finding new conquests are the keys to a spicy, passionate sex life.  They are wrong.  It is as simple as that.  Don’t ever buy into the idea that a string of meaningless encounters would be hotter than a lifetime with someone who cherishes you.


Expect the best.


When you’re expecting good things, you tend to LOOK for good things.  You’ll pick up on subtleties that might otherwise be lost.  If you simply assume that your husband wants you desperately, you’re more apt to notice the sidelong look he gives you.  If you go in to the situation believing that he wants you to feel cared for, you’ll notice when he refills your water glass without your asking.  Expect it.  And look for it.


Be willing to work.


People who go out to bars and clubs have to work to get their conquests.  Whether it’s the girl who spends hours choosing the perfect dress and getting her hair just so, or the guy who lays the groundwork making conversation and buying her a drink– it all takes time.  The fact that you’re married doesn’t mean that you should never have to put any effort into maintaining the sweetness and spiciness.   Be willing to make some effort– your marriage is worth it.


What have you found helps to keep your marriage sweet AND spicy?


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